The best part of the book for me is actually knowing Lindsay and realizing that she humbles herself inthat book by letting the reader know that while the advice she offers is the "right" thing to do, it is not always the path Lindsay herself chooses. See all 1 customer reviews. Most helpful customer reviews on Amazon. One person found this helpful.
Go to Amazon. Fast, FREE delivery, video streaming, music, and much more. Back to top. Get to Know Us. Amazon Payment Products. English Choose a language for shopping. Amazon Music Stream millions of songs. Amazon Advertising Find, attract, and engage customers. It is good for people, especially individuals with BPD, to put their feelings into words, no matter how much those feelings are based on distortions.
If people find the verbal expression of their feelings to be rewarding, they are less likely to act out on feelings in destructive ways. Feelings of being lonely, different, and inadequate need to be heard. By hearing them and demonstrating that you have heard them using the methods described above, you help the individual to feel a little less lonely and isolated.
Such feelings are a common, everyday experience for people with BPD. Parents usually do not know and often do not want to believe that their daughter feels these ways. The feelings become a bit less painful once they are shared. Family members may be quick to try to talk someone out of such feelings by arguing and denying the feelings. Such arguments are quite frustrating and disappointing to the person expressing the feelings. If the feelings are denied when they are expressed verbally, the individual may need to act on them in order to get her message across.
Problems are best tackled through open discussion in the family. Everyone needs to be part of the discussion. People are most likely to do their part when they are asked for their participation and their views about the solution are respected. It is important to ask each family member whether he or she feels able to do the steps called for in the planned solution.
By asking, you show recognition of how difficult the task may be for the other person. This goes hand in hand with acknowledging the difficulty of changing. You may feel a powerful urge to step in and help another family member. Your help may be appreciated or may be an unwanted intrusion. By asking if your help is wanted before you step in, your assistance is much less likely to be resented.
Family members need to act in concert with one another. Parental inconsistencies fuel severe family conflicts. Develop strategies that everyone can stick to. Family members may have sharply contrasting views about how to handle any given problem behavior in their relative with BPD.
The typical result is increasing tension and resentment between family members as well as lack of progress in overcoming the problem. An example will illustrate the point.
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A daughter frequently calls home asking for financial bail outs. She has developed a large credit card debt. She wants new clothing. She has been unable to save enough money to pay her rent. Despite her constant desire for funds, she is unable to take financial responsibility by holding down a job or living by a budget.
Her father expresses a stem attitude, refusing to provide the funds, and with each request and insisting that she take responsibility for working out the problem herself. The mother meanwhile softens easily with each request and gives her the funds she wants. The daughter will adhere to the plan only after both parents adhere to it. If you have financial responsibility, you have the right to address your concerns to the therapist or doctor. They may wonder whether the psychiatrist is aware of the side effects the patient is experiencing. Can the psychiatrist see how sedated or obese the individual has become?
Is he or she subjecting the patient to danger by prescribing too many medications? When family members have such concerns, they often feel that they should not interfere, or are told by the patient not to interfere. They can play that role by contacting the doctor or therapist directly themselves to express their concerns. Set limits by stating the limits of your tolerance. Let your expectations be known in clear, simple language.
Everyone needs to know what is expected of them. Expectations need to be set forth in a clear manner. Too often, people assume that the members of their family should know their expectations automatically. It is often useful to give up such assumptions. The best way to express an expectation is to avoid attaching any threats. Often, in these situations, family members are tempted to enforce an expectation by attaching threats. The threat becomes an empty expression of hostility. Of course, there may come a point at which family members feel compelled to give an ultimatum with the true intention to act on it.
We will discuss this situation later. Do not protect family members from the natural consequences of their actions. Allow them to learn about reality. Bumping into a few walls is usually necessary. People with BPD can engage in dangerous, harmful, and costly behaviors. The emotional and financial toll to the individual and the family can be tremendous. The results of these protective ways are complex. First and foremost, the troublesome behavior is likely to persist because it has cost no price or has brought the individual some kind of reward.
Second, the family members are likely to become enraged because they resent having sacrificed integrity, money, and good will in their efforts to be protective.
In this case, tensions in the home mount even though the hope of the protective measures was to prevent tension. Meanwhile, the anger may be rewarding on some level to the individual because it makes her the focus of attention, even if that attention is negative.
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Third, the individual may begin to show these behaviors outside of the family and face greater harm and loss in the real world than she would have faced in the family setting. Thus, the attempt to protect leaves the individual unprepared for the real world. Some examples will illustrate the point. It is reasonable to prevent medical harm in this way. The mother then considers calling an ambulance because she can see that the daughter is suicidal and at risk of harming herself.
However, this option would have some very negative consequences. The daughter and the family would face the embarrassment of having an ambulance in front of the house. The daughter does not wish to go to the hospital and would become enraged and out of control if the mother called the ambulance. She might rationalize the decision by convincing herself that the daughter is not in fact in immediate danger. The primary problem with that choice is that it keeps the daughter from attaining much needed help at a point when she has been and could still be suicidal.
The mother would be aiding the daughter in denial of the problem. Medical expertise is needed to determine whether the daughter is at risk of harming herself. As she escalates, she may make an even more dramatic gesture and face greater physical harm.
Furthermore, if an ambulance were not called for fear of incurring her wrath, she would receive the message that she can control others by threatening to become enraged. A year old woman steals money from her family members while she is living with them. The family members express great anger at her and sometimes threaten to ask her to move out, but they never take any real action. When she asks to borrow money, they give the loan despite the fact that she never pays back such loans. They fear that if they do not lend the money, she may steal it from someone outside the family, thus leading to legal trouble for her and humiliation for everyone else involved.
In this case, the family has taught the daughter that she can get away with stealing. She has essentially blackmailed them. They give her what she wants because they are living with fear. The family could cease to protect her by insisting that she move out or by stopping the loans. If she does steal from someone outside the family and faces legal consequences, this may prove to be a valuable lesson about reality.
Legal consequences may influence her to change and subsequently function better outside the family. A year old woman who has had multiple psychiatric hospitalizations recently and has been unable to hold down any employment decides that she wants to return to college full time. She asks her parents to help pay tuition. The parents who watch their daughter spend most of her day in bed are skeptical that she will be able to remain in school for an entire semester and pass her courses.
The tuition payments represent great financial hardship for them. Nonetheless, they agree to support the plan because they do not want to believe she is as dysfunctional as she behaves and they know their daughter will become enraged if they do not. A more realistic plan would be for the daughter to take one course at a time to prove that she can do it, and then return to school full time only after she has demonstrated the ability to maintain such a commitment despite her emotional troubles.
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In this plan, she faces a natural consequence for her recent low functioning. The plan calls upon her to take responsibility in order to obtain a privilege she desires. Each of the cases illustrates the hazards of being protective when a loved one is making unwise choices or engaging in frankly dangerous behavior. By setting limits on these choices and behaviors, family members can motivate individuals to take on greater responsibility and have appropriate limits within themselves.
The decision to set limits is often the hardest decision for family members to make. After leading for. Drift mc. Driven Racing Oil makes high zinc racing oils, gear oils, break-in oils, hot rod oils, brake cleaner and foaming degreasers - born from Joe Gibbs Racing for maximum performance. The MGP growler system is the confident choice. The Kawasaki Z PRO is the bike to conquer the city, regardless of your riding experience or how much gas money you have in your pocket.
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